Women now ask for things at work just as often as men. So why are they only successful half as often? According to Kathryn Valentine, CEO of Worthmore Strategies, the answer is simple: women have been handed tools built for men.
More Is Negotiable Than You Think
Most people equate negotiation with salary, but Valentine has identified 76 things you can negotiate at work beyond pay — from team size and performance bonuses to preferred parking and flexible scheduling. Research shows women are routinely given teams 25 to 40 percent smaller than comparable male colleagues to achieve the same goals. Stock options carry an 80 percent gender gap. Knowing what’s negotiable is the first step to closing that gap.
When deciding what to prioritize, Valentine recommends asking three questions: What would help me deliver even more? What would let me do that at a lower stress level? And what would simply give me joy? Then go into any major negotiation with three to five items — not one. Single-item negotiations leave nothing to trade against.
Why Standard Negotiation Advice Can Backfire for Women
At eight years old, girls already ask for 40 percent less than boys in experimental settings — and cite the same reason: they don’t want to upset anyone. That awareness of backlash is real, and it’s not unfounded. Research confirms that women face significantly higher risk of backlash when negotiating traditional resources like salary, because it conflicts with societal expectations about gender.
The mistake, Valentine argues, isn’t that women lack nerve — it’s that most negotiation resources weren’t written for women, and most don’t carry a warning label saying so. She learned this the hard way: as an MBA intern, she negotiated in the style the books advised, finished a summer-long project in four weeks, and was escorted out of the building by security by the end of a six-minute meeting — losing both the offer and the internship.
Three Principles for Negotiating as a Woman
1. Think Holistically Go in with a range of items to discuss, not just one ask. This creates room for trade-offs and increases your overall success rate.
2. Ask Relationally Research from Harvard and Carnegie Mellon shows that when women frame their ask as both legitimate and beneficial — not just personal — they can virtually eliminate the risk of backlash. Valentine’s formula: past performance + future value + your ask, then stop talking. Don’t negotiate against yourself by over-explaining or immediately softening your position.
3. Discuss Collaboratively Rather than entering a negotiation as adversaries, frame it as you and your manager versus the problem. This mirrors how international peace treaties are actually negotiated — and it plays to women’s strengths. Because societal conditioning toward others-focus is a liability in aggressive negotiation, it becomes an asset in collaborative ones. Women who negotiate this way are rated higher on leadership ability after the conversation than before.
How to Handle a No
A no is not an identity statement — it’s information. Follow it with curiosity: What would need to change for this to be a yes? Co-creating a path forward in a midpoint review, for example, means that by the time an annual review arrives, both sides already know what was agreed upon. Every box you check, you document in a brief email — which builds a record and keeps your manager aligned.
If a manager has said no multiple times without a clear rationale, Valentine is direct: that manager may not see your potential, and it may be time to look elsewhere. Research confirms that a manager is the single biggest determinant of a woman’s success at work.
Negotiate Proactively, Not Reactively
One of the most common mistakes Valentine sees: waiting until a crisis to negotiate. Women who wait until their back is against the wall start from a position of weakness. Her recommendation is a standing quarterly conversation with your manager — treating it as a professional development check-in, not a confrontation. Margaret Neal at Stanford found that choosing not to negotiate over a career is equivalent to working an extra eight years to retire with the same wealth.
The Bottom Line
The gender gap in negotiation isn’t a confidence problem. It’s a tools problem. When women negotiate with frameworks built for women — relationally, collaboratively, and holistically — the research shows they can close the gap in outcomes while protecting the relationship. The goal isn’t to negotiate more aggressively. It’s to negotiate in a way that actually works.
A full list of 76 things you can negotiate at work is available at 76things.com.
This post is based on an episode of Women Amplified, the podcast from the Conferences for Women, featuring Kathryn Valentine, CEO of Worthmore Strategies.
Kathryn Valentine
